Divorce rates soar as PlayStation 4 released

The PlayStation 4 was only released today, but the government has already announced a 30% rise in the number of people going to court to request a divorce. This follows on from the news a few months ago that divorce rates had experienced a 40% rise for around 3 weeks after Grand Theft Auto 5 was released. Facebook also released information this afternoon showing a huge jump of people changing their relationship status to "single".
"We find this often", said a spokesperson for Facebook. "We usually see drops in relationships on the website when new games or gaming consoles are released. We saw the same with the release of GTAV, although this is nothing compared to the drop we saw upon the release of FIFA 2014, when 15% of UK couples became single in the week after it was released."
"Relationship breakdowns often occur after new games are released. It is usually due, unsurprisingly, to one partner being interested in a game and the other not," said Professor of Sociology at Southampton University Nota R. Eel-Seance. "These statistics also, though to a lesser extent, tend to follow the pattern of football games, especially national ones."

Jon Snow attacked by flame wielding Bristolians after confusing Bristol with Wales

There was anarchy in the Channel 4 newsroom tonight as a mob of angry Bristolians attempted to raid the studio armed with burning rags doused in vodka. It followed a seemingly innocuous mistake by newsreader Jon Snow when he referred to Bristol in a news report as "Wales". Once the news had spread around social networking sites, the Bristolian diaspora mobilised in anger at their beautiful city being confused with that horrible place were everyone is impossible to understand and smells.
Mavis Bailey, of Kingswood, Bristol, told the Daily Quail she was hurt and upset by Jon's comments.
"How could he possibly confuse us? I mean like our Bristol is such a lush place, and Wales is just horrible. 'Ere it's well out of order".
Jon Snow was unavailable for comment as he was busy escaping from the mob.

BREAKING NEWS: Guardian commenters realise freedom of speech doesn't exist

There was shock on the Comment is Free comment boards today as it suddenly dawned on commenters that the much lauded "freedom of speech" doesn't exist.
The revelation was sparked by one commenter, 'peach1967', who said "Guys, I don't know if you've noticed, but it's not good or allowed to say whatever you want... I mean, if you went up to a policeman, and called him a twat, I don't think that would be ok".
At first, commenters such as 'fennelbag' deplored this view, claiming the state was "turning facist" and "the right are winning". Later, as more and people began to realise that if everyone was allowed to say whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, things would be a bit of a mess, sadness descended on the messageboard. 'nightshirt57' spoke for the whole community when he said "well, now I've realised this, it sort of takes away the point of my life. I suppose I'll have to try and eke out an existence criticizing people's less that perfect grammar rather than taking it upon myself to defend something that not only doesn't exist, but wouldn;t work even if it did."
The Guardian gave us a statement saying "we will be sending out help and advice to all our messageboard members. We have known this a long time, and have been dreading the day our readers find out. We hope they can get through it together."

BREAKING NEWS:Turkish cuisine rarely includes turkey

A surprise announcement was made today, following a Daily Quail investigation. After a dedicated team of undercover reporters ventured inside Turkey's borders, the shocking discovery was made that, despite the county's misleading name, Turkish cuisine rarely includes Turkey.
The Foreign Office has hailed the discovery as a "breakthrough in our understanding of our close neighbour, and an important edition to the global enclycopaedia of international relations."
The EU announced today it will be using this new discovery to influence the country's EU bid. It released a statement early this morning saying "The news of Turkey's culinary deception will not be taken lightly. This is a game changer."

Polls generally made up, finds poll

A poll released today found that approximately 98% of polls are made up. The study, released by a non-specified think tank, also revealed that 97% of people believe an uncited "poll"'s information is completely legit.

"This represents a huge problem in our society" said social analyst Nigel Norris. "People change their habits and beliefs based purely on information and views that a random, made up "poll" says most other people think. This means anyone can back up whatever nonsense they say with a random poll and it will sounds sensible."

Poll analyst Bryan Burrows contradicts this view. "In fact 87% of people say they like polls, and 94% of polls say people like it when other people cite polls. It has also been reliably found that if I say "a poll says", then 96.5% of people listening will believe what I'm saying is true. It's great!"

Apple bailiffs move in on hidden iTunes terms and conditions

There was chaos today as elite squads of Apple bailiffs moved into houses across the UK. They were acting on clauses hidden in the iTunes terms and conditions which stated Apple had full ownership of the houses, cars, children and souls of people who downloaded the recent upload. Bailiffs have been breaking into houses and taking the possessions they now rightfully own.

David Cameron, after calling a meeting of the emergency Cobra committee, has released a statement saying there is nothing he can do. He said "although we recognise this will cause extreme problems for the British population, given the extreme levels of homelessness and kidnappings that will happen. However, since I have an iPhone and think they're pretty damn cool, I don't really think there's anything I can do."

Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, has also released a statement today. He said "I always knew that people rarely read terms and conditions. However, I did think something as obvious as this might be picked up. Clearly not. I think this is not only a great way for me to make lots of money, it's also a tough lesson to the 25.6 million Britons who will now have their houses, children and souls taken away: always read the terms and conditions."

Shock at American GQ as it emerges women are legally allowed to wear clothes

There was shock today in the headquarters of American GQ magazine as the editorial team discovered that it is legal for women to wear clothes. A pale and surprised looking editor told the Daily Quail this afternoon he was "shocked and saddened. For years we have been featuring women on our pages in skimpy outfits or nothing at all, to protect them from what we thought was the law. Although we were saddened to detract attention away from their amazing achievements, liberation and intelligence, we felt we had to. It is a terrible feeling to know we have spent all this time encouraging the mistaken judging of women by the size of their breasts when in fact we could have been concentrating on what we're really interested in: their brains."

It is expected that, following a similar discovery in the murky waters of British law, magazines such as Nuts, Zoo and FHM will be able to feature women in their publications on the basis of merits other than breast size. The FHM editor was quoted today as being "relieved and excited for the future", revealing he plans to have "new features such as 'Successful Women', 'Why there is more to a female than breasts' and 'The end of sexual harassment'"

Labour Conference Promises: the full list

The Daily Quail's writers have been working hard to give you a full list of all Labour's election promises that have been announced at the Party Conference. Here is the list so far:

1) free unicorn rides to school
2) free energy to all homes
3) free food
4) free lapdances
5) free pies
6) holiday to the Caribbean for every Labour voter
7) reopening of mines
8) relocation of bitcoins underground so they can be mined
9) mines
10) everything back as it was in the old days
11) why does everyone hate us
12) erasing of Iraq from all maps
13) free everything
14) please vote for us
15) please
16) please
17) please
 

Syria put on naughty step

Ban Ki-Moon, the UN Secretary General, last week announced the toughest UN sanctions on Syria yet. In response to an investigation that conclusively proved chemical weapons were used in Syria, most likely by the Assad regime, he announced the introduction of a new sanction intended to topple his government.
Syria has now been "put on the naughty step" by the UN, in a move described by international critics as "designed to do fuck all while they work out a way of not pissing off the Russians".
This sanction is the third highest in the UN repetoire, preceded by "looking angrily in their general direction" and "pointless posturing". Only one further level of sanction remains: "shrug as the US leads an illegal invasion".

Shock as Church decides something sensible

Wales was in shock yesterday as it emerged that the Church there had decided something sensible.  Yesterday, the Church agreed that women were really not that bad after all, and were in fact capable of lifting up a cup dramatically and pulling off funny hats. This revelation, as they finally voted to allow women bishops, follows recent cutting edge research which showed that Church services and pastoral duties were not, in fact, carried out with the penis and as such women were just as suited to the job as men.

 

Commons wifi breaks after Nick Clegg gets up to speak

There was panic in the House of Commons today, as the wifi router serving the chamber exploded. After a small investigation, it was discovered that the time of explosion almost directly matched the point at which the Rt Hon Pretend Important Person Nick Clegg got up to speak. Detailed surveying of the Commons CCTV showed that almost as soon as his mouth opened, everyone in the chamber got out their smartphones and started either playing Fruit Ninja or looking up pictures of cute cats on the internet. The sudden and huge surge in internet usage caused the explosion of the router.

Nick Clegg has now been expelled from the House indefinitely while more routers are installed, and Ed Miliband is being monitored to ensure he does not cause a similar blow-out. Although the monitors had difficulty remembering who Ed Miliband actually is, with the help of a kind Labour aide they eventually found him and managed to dissuade him from speaking with a packet of Werther's Originals.

The House of Commons spokesperson said the internet "should be up and running again soon" and that it was an "urgent wake up call " for MPs to "stop being so bloody tedious".

Man quits job to stay at home in 21 ROOM council flat

A man today walked out of his job in the Armed Forces to live in a 21 room council flat also inhabited by his unemployed wife and young child. The taxpayer funded abode in Kensington is not subject to bedroom tax, despite its sprawling size, and £1m has been spent over the last year renovating it for the small family.

The 31 year old, who served a brief stint in Search and Rescue after a taxpayer funded private education, has decided he wants a year out to "help his granny", who lives not far away in another 775 roomed taxpayer funded abode. His income will be drawn from the public purse as his wife stays at home looking at pictures of cats on the internet and reading the Mail Online while their son is looked after by someone else.

When questioned, the man justified his expense by saying "well I'm gonna like, help save the planet and stuff as well so y'know like, that's better than a job, yah?", and grimacing widely in an apparent gesture of humility. When he realised this wasn't working, he dragged out his wife, and everyone suddenly became so enraptured by her beautiful smile and tasteful dress and sense of normality that they forgot to ask why they're paying for her to have a 21 room Kensington apartment to look at cat memes in all day.

FOREIGN WOMAN with funny sounding name tells Shapps what to do

Raquel Rolnik, a UN official from Brazil, today criticized the Tories' "bedroom tax", calling it a "shocking" breach of human rights. She claimed that the cuts in housing benefits who live in home with 'spare bedrooms', introduced in April, were affected the "most vulnerable, the most fragile, the people on the fringes of everyday life", and proceeded to tell the Tory government they were being right tits about it all, it's getting rather tiresome and they should really stop now.

She pointed out that moving disabled people out of their own homes is a 'breach of human rights'. Grant Shapps, the Conservative Party chairman, responded to this with typical eloquence and poise. On the Today programme on Radio 4, he questioned how "a WOMAN, from BRAZIL" had the audacity to tell him what to do. He also pointed out that Brazil is foreign, that it's certainly not in the Home Counties and that Ms Rolnik is a WOMAN, later clarifying that SHE'S A WOMAN and that if that wasn't bad enough, she's foreign.

He also pointed out that it's not fair for the UN to go into a country uninvited by the government to investigate human rights abuses. In totally unrelated news, not long ago, Shapps voted with his party to intervene in Syria on the basis of information being gathered by uninvited investigators.

Shapps is also in the running for this year's inaugural annual "Daily Quail Hypocrisy Prize". Shapps is this year fighting tough competition in the bedroom-tax busting Michael Gove, with other competitors yet to be announced.

Posh chaps have fight, no one notices

Some posh chaps had a fight today over something in a room with tastefully green sofas, and no one took any notice. One posh chap with a suspiciously shiny forehead shouted a bit at another one who looks strangely familiar, and a few men in shiny suits got rather hot under the collar. However, in a shocking twist, no one took any notice because no one actually cares about some public school boys shouting excitedly at one another and achieving nothing.

Michael Gove gets a bit confused over bedroom tax

The new and hotly contested "bedroom tax", which takes money of the housing benefits of people who have a 'spare room" has been causing Michael Gove a bit of bother recently. He remarked last week that "poor children" who do not have their own rooms in which to do homework may not "achieve their full potential". However, he was quietly reminded a bit later that actually, that was the POINT, and that the clever people in the cabinet had already got it covered by slashing the benefits of children who don't share rooms. After all, the helpful aide pointed out, if all these poor people start getting good grades, they might take places in the top universities off rich and tutored people, and then what?

At PMQs last week, Cameron took a tough stance on the Labour's unappreciative views on the bedroom tax, saying "ha ha no one likes you Ed, you look like Wallace from Wallace and Gromit, na na ne na naaa, what are you going to do about it, ha ha", at which point Mr Miliband got up to speak and everyone got bored and started playing Angry Birds behind the bench in front and missed what he said entirely.