BREAKING NEWS: Guardian commenters realise freedom of speech doesn't exist

There was shock on the Comment is Free comment boards today as it suddenly dawned on commenters that the much lauded "freedom of speech" doesn't exist.
The revelation was sparked by one commenter, 'peach1967', who said "Guys, I don't know if you've noticed, but it's not good or allowed to say whatever you want... I mean, if you went up to a policeman, and called him a twat, I don't think that would be ok".
At first, commenters such as 'fennelbag' deplored this view, claiming the state was "turning facist" and "the right are winning". Later, as more and people began to realise that if everyone was allowed to say whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, things would be a bit of a mess, sadness descended on the messageboard. 'nightshirt57' spoke for the whole community when he said "well, now I've realised this, it sort of takes away the point of my life. I suppose I'll have to try and eke out an existence criticizing people's less that perfect grammar rather than taking it upon myself to defend something that not only doesn't exist, but wouldn;t work even if it did."
The Guardian gave us a statement saying "we will be sending out help and advice to all our messageboard members. We have known this a long time, and have been dreading the day our readers find out. We hope they can get through it together."

BREAKING NEWS:Turkish cuisine rarely includes turkey

A surprise announcement was made today, following a Daily Quail investigation. After a dedicated team of undercover reporters ventured inside Turkey's borders, the shocking discovery was made that, despite the county's misleading name, Turkish cuisine rarely includes Turkey.
The Foreign Office has hailed the discovery as a "breakthrough in our understanding of our close neighbour, and an important edition to the global enclycopaedia of international relations."
The EU announced today it will be using this new discovery to influence the country's EU bid. It released a statement early this morning saying "The news of Turkey's culinary deception will not be taken lightly. This is a game changer."

Polls generally made up, finds poll

A poll released today found that approximately 98% of polls are made up. The study, released by a non-specified think tank, also revealed that 97% of people believe an uncited "poll"'s information is completely legit.

"This represents a huge problem in our society" said social analyst Nigel Norris. "People change their habits and beliefs based purely on information and views that a random, made up "poll" says most other people think. This means anyone can back up whatever nonsense they say with a random poll and it will sounds sensible."

Poll analyst Bryan Burrows contradicts this view. "In fact 87% of people say they like polls, and 94% of polls say people like it when other people cite polls. It has also been reliably found that if I say "a poll says", then 96.5% of people listening will believe what I'm saying is true. It's great!"

Apple bailiffs move in on hidden iTunes terms and conditions

There was chaos today as elite squads of Apple bailiffs moved into houses across the UK. They were acting on clauses hidden in the iTunes terms and conditions which stated Apple had full ownership of the houses, cars, children and souls of people who downloaded the recent upload. Bailiffs have been breaking into houses and taking the possessions they now rightfully own.

David Cameron, after calling a meeting of the emergency Cobra committee, has released a statement saying there is nothing he can do. He said "although we recognise this will cause extreme problems for the British population, given the extreme levels of homelessness and kidnappings that will happen. However, since I have an iPhone and think they're pretty damn cool, I don't really think there's anything I can do."

Tim Cook, the CEO of Apple, has also released a statement today. He said "I always knew that people rarely read terms and conditions. However, I did think something as obvious as this might be picked up. Clearly not. I think this is not only a great way for me to make lots of money, it's also a tough lesson to the 25.6 million Britons who will now have their houses, children and souls taken away: always read the terms and conditions."